Parties: A Crash Course

Since the Dawn of Time, Man has wanted to Party. Woman too. Just this year, archaeologists have discovered the remains of a 30-million-year-old human ancestor, with a brain the size of a nickel, holding a glowstick. (Come to that, I met a guy with a brain the size of a nickel in Purple Sneakers just last week.)

But, for just as long as there have been parties, people have been left disappointed, frustrated and confused. There’s a reason it’s called “throwing” a party. Throw it well, and it’ll soar. Throw it badly, and it’ll fall flat, or put someone’s eye out, and lead to messy legal proceedings.

So, before you hold your next party, think about all the best parties you’ve been at…

House Parties - No, I don’t mean parties where you play house music. I mean parties that you hold at your house. (Having said that, there’s nothing to stop you from playing house music at your House Party and having a House House Party. Go right ahead. Indeed, you can even watch acclaimed medical drama series House at said House House Party, making it a House House House Party.) What was I saying again? Oh yeah. House Parties are great.

Costume Parties - When else could you make out with Marilyn Monroe, sing karaoke with Marcel Marseau, or beat up Osama bin Laden? Anyone with a passing acquaintance with The Bard knows that Romeo and Juliet met at a costume party. And that ended up happily, right? Right? Right? Right. Themed parties also add an extra element of fun to proceedings. Why not give your party a theme, like Superheroes, Hollywood Stars, or Characters from the Collected Works of Fyodor Dostoevsky? And, if you really enjoy pretending to be someone else, why don’t you try identity theft? Try stealing mail, eavesdropping on other people’s personal transactions or hacking into computer databases.

Bachelor Parties - A Bachelor Party is the party at which you’re most likely to have two strippers turn up and lick whipped cream off each other’s private parts. (Except perhaps the Liberal Party.) Yes, yes, I know: apparently you’re only supposed to have a Bachelor Party when you’re getting married - but with divorce rates like they are and it being the 21st century, it is becoming increasingly acceptable to get married purely to have a Bachelor Party.

Dinner Parties - Traditionally the domain of married couples, Dinner Parties are a classy affair, usually involving candlelight, a nice dinner, a nice bottle of wine, a domestic spat, a spontaneous act of infidelity in the laundry room, and Kenny G records. [CAUTION: Prolonged exposure to Kenny G records may cause dizziness, mottled skin, loss of appetite, paranoia, baldness, dark urine, gastrointestinal upset and impotence FOREVER.]

Office Parties - There are some things that were never meant to go together. Nitric acid and zinc. Pineapple and pizza. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. But by far the most lethal combination - far more frightening than any mere chemical reaction or Domino’s Hawaiian - is work colleagues and alcohol. Letting loose and chilling out with your workmates might sound like a good idea at first but, by the end of the night, James from IT is dancing with his shirt off, Max from Sales is telling the Boss what he really thinks of him, and Rob from Accounting is having his way with Jill from Reception in the corner… The phrase “You’ll never live it down” was invented for Office Parties.

McDonald’s Parties - We all remember these. Due to the age ceiling, having a real McDonald’s Party is a bit difficult for those of us over 10 years old (i.e. most of the 3D World readership). However, feel free to turn up to McDonald’s with all of your mates, buy 27 soft serve cones for about eight dollars, and dance the night away. You’ll have fun. Trust me.

Cast Parties - All those weeks of rehearsing have paid off, and your musical society’s production of Jesus Christ Superstar was a huge success! Ashfield Community Hall has never seen anything like it! So, it’s time to get together one last time, have some punch, play drama games and have everyone join in a lovely sing-along of I Don’t Know How To Love Him.

Tupperware Parties - In need of some plastic containers in which to store rice, pasta, Thai stir-fry or any number of other tasty dishes? Then you’re in need of a Tupperware Party. Contact your local FridgeSmart consultant (what a job!), get together with your fellow housewives, and find out about the exciting world of keeping food fresh! Mmm! For best results, combine with Bachelor Party.

Coming-Out Parties - What better way to celebrate coming out of the closet about your BIG SECRET than holding a party? If you manage to get everyone drunk, half the people there won’t even remember your BIG SECRET by the time it’s morning - except your parents, who will disown you. Sorry.

Search Parties - Trying to find a lost loved one in a national park by torchlight with police and wilderness-trained emergency medical personnel at your side can be a fun and exciting way to spend a Friday night. Make sure you don’t forget to play the Grease Mega-Mix.